by Scott Roberts
July 30, 2001

"I was lookin' for love in all the wrong places,
Lookin' for love in too many places..."
— Johnny Lee, "Lookin' For Love"

Now that last week's dire warnings are over with, let's get down to the brass tacks of online romance. By and large, it's not that difficult to get started. Players from most genres welcome romantic roleplay as an experience which specifically interests their character; it gives them an opportunity to form a meaningful relationship with another character on the game and adds importance to their actions and activities in the eyes of at least one other individual.

First, though, one last missive from the land of dire warnings.

Age Concerns

One note of caution that you should consider when getting involved in an online romance with another player. Despite my cautioning in last week's article about matters of trust, and the warnings I've given regarding getting involved out of character, one thing you must do before getting involved in romantic roleplay with another character is ascertain the age of the player behind the character. It doesn't really matter if you are planning on roleplaying a PG-13 romance unless you're truly concerned, but for anything beyond that – dealing with mature themes or sexual roleplay – please make sure that your counterpart is above the age of 18. Even setting aside any moral or ethical concerns (of which there are many), I've run into situations as an administrator on other games with irate parents, statutory rape concerns, and other items, and it frankly is not worth the hassle for any of the parties involved.

Log the conversation you have on that matter and keep it in a safe place. If it turns out your partner is lying (and of course, that'll never happen!) you at least have something to defend yourself with if anything comes of it. Better safe than sorry.

If you are under the age of eighteen, I strongly advise against any form of romantic roleplay beyond the most surface sort. The number of predators out there is no exaggeration, and even if you're not particularly concerned about that, be aware that lying about your age in such matters can (and has, as I have had the displeasure to witness in at least one case) resulted in ruined lives for any potential partner you have above the age of eighteen.

Now that that's out of the way...

Last week's column focused on the avoidance of OOC entanglements in your in-character romantic relationships. The rest of this week's is dedicated to IC romance. Romantic roleplay and the desire for same varies widely from genre to genre and game to game, but there are some constants which I have observed regardless of the setting. I call these my ABC's of online romance: Avoid Lesbians, Beware Jealousy, and Care Less.

Avoid Lesbians

This one has a backstory to it. On a game I used to run set in the world of Shadowrun, there were so many lesbian characters on the grid that it became an out-of-character joke for the entire community. The characters, mostly played by men, would create these tough-as-nails, beautiful-as-sin female characters and make them lesbians. The characters themselves were almost wholly unbelievable; most were lipstick lesbians, for instance. There are essentially three kinds of lesbian characters that you can find on a game: those who are what they are because they are men trying to get involved with women by pretending to be women; those who are playing female characters who aren't interested in sex of any sort and choose to play a lesbian because it's easier to avoid that way; and actual honest to God lesbians. Guess which one's the least common?

Despite the specific nature of the phrase, this warning doesn't apply only to lesbians. Instead it applies to any hackneyed, overdone character type or plot involving sexuality or romance. Avoid things like being an outright slut, playing a nymphomaniac, being a hardcore virgin, or any stereotypical extreme which can be found in the world. Much as when playing a villain, the true romantic fun in a game can be found only if your character is three-dimensional.

Beware Jealousy

In many games, much like in real life, jealousy can be a powerful motivator. It's even further enhanced by the fact that most games don't have the powerful social forces working to convince you not to shoot the guy who looked at your girl funny – like, say, lengthy prison terms – that we do in the real world. Hence, jealousy can be an extremely destructive force to a game.

I have witnessed carefully developed characters who have taken months of work for their players to create get killed because they got involved with the wrong person in a romantic tinyplot. This can be dangerous to your character; choose your partner carefully and make sure that they aren't under the wing of the local equivalent of the Mob boss (unless of course you can take on the whole Mafia single-handedly, in which case, go to it.) Be careful of people who use jealousy as a motivator in their roleplaying with you – much like real life, jealousy can be used as a weapon by partners in a relationship.

Few things have destroyed online romances and characters in the games I have been on with more regularity than jealousy. Women wield much more power in many game worlds than men do when it comes to manipulation by jealousy. I've seen character after character get killed due to the machinations of powerful (or even, sometimes, petty) women who they were involved with.

Be aware of the relationships that the people you are interacting with are in, as far as that is possible. Looking the wrong way or saying the wrong thing to someone who is involved with a hotheaded player is a good way to get killed, as mentioned above. Moreover, learning the lay of the land can be useful in plots as well.


Care Less

Don't be so desperate for a relationship or for sex that you pursue it to the exclusion of other goals. The single-minded pursuit of sexuality in a game will get you no real interesting roleplay in the game, except perhaps for sexually-charged elves. So, if you want to pick up nubile young willing nymphomaniacal elves, and don't mind the fact that the odds are in favor of your dream girl being played by a man, the best way to do so is to be an outrageously flirtatious slut with no particular interest in anything but sex.

That aside, avoid overly passionate extended relationships. Most games (Castle Marrach being an exception to this) are not heavily based on a romantic setting; intense roleplay of romance is interesting from time to time but eventually fades. Strive to make your relationships more real by caring about them as part of a whole experience for the characters involved rather than a sole motivator for your roleplaying on the game. Several characters I know of have been driven off games because their partner expected that, simply because the characters had an online relationship, they were obligated to roleplay as a pair (and often solely with each other) whenever the two were on together. That's a good way to ruin someone else's playing experience.

Another thing which falls into the "Care Less" area is this: avoid desperation. Many times, I've seen players desperate for a romantic relationship give up principles that their character holds dear in order to pursue that roleplay. Sleeping with the enemy as a singular plot is interesting; when it becomes run of the mill, it ruins the game and the feel for the character. Sex and romance are primary human motivators, but they are by no means the sole motivators for humanity, and conflicting philosophies should be maintained.

Outside Considerations

Relationships in online prose games tend to be of the overly idealistic sort, which is just fine. It's a game, after all; it's there to provide an interesting tale outside of the drops-his-socks-on-the-floor, never-puts-the-seat-down reality that colors real life. While I'm not going to provide a primer on the basics of starting a romantic relationship, I will provide a few pointers on interesting things to add to an online romantic plot.

Love triangles (and other combinations thereof) are a wonderful source of intrigue and roleplay as long as the jealousy aspect is not taken too far. Wooing and winning someone from a romantic rival can be rewarding and highly satisfying roleplay in the end. Children, and discussions about having them, are all too often forgotten in many online prose games; the conflicting desires of two lovers on such a matter can make for some outstanding roleplay, even if having children isn't realistically possible or even interesting in the scope of the game's timeline.

Consider also what effects the genre you are in might have on the romantic relationships you may have. Magic (and technological equivalents in future worlds) have a great deal of uses in most genres' combat and conflict systems, yet the social and romantic influences thereof are often neglected by the game's or genre's designers. A world in which magic or technology has cured disease would make promiscuity much more palatable; simple and widespread birth control measures for both sexes might also have the same effect. Everyday life is affected by these things; don't neglect the affect they might have on your relationships.

The Inevitable Teaser

Next week, there may or may not be a column – your intrepid columnist is heading for GenCon, and may not be as prolific as usual. Watch this space, though – there's certainly more to come. Until next time, I look forward to your comments on the Forums!